Most Mystical Government Replies

When a government official defies all logic, some Chinese netizens chalk it up to living in a “mystical country.” There are no prizes for most baffling responses to citizen inquiries, but Weibo user @神笔记 (Mystical Notes) has compiled a shortlist.

Most Mystical Government Replies

最强官方神回复

Concern for Family Members

语出惊人 问候家人

November 2013

Question: A resident called Lüchun Municipal Health Bureau’s service line in Zhejiang.

Respondent: The call was transferred to a staff member’s cell phone. The employee on duty didn’t want to answer the phone, but later responded with a text message:

Mystical Reply: Let me guess, your Mom croaked?

2013年11月

问询方:浙江绿春市民打电话咨询。

回复方:电话呼转到手机,绿春县卫生局值班工作人员不肯接电话,后发短信回复。

神回复:是不是你妈去死了。

Critical Thinking and Patient Instruction

擅长思辨 谆谆教导

March 2011

Question: A Langzhong, Sichuan resident inquired online why merchandising rights last for only 40 years.

Respondent: Langzhong Land and Resources Bureau website

Mystical Reply: Whether we’ll still exist in 40 years is questionable. Why worry about the long term?

2011年3月

问询方:四川阆中居民网上询问为何商品产权只有40年。

回复方:阆中市国土局官方网站

神回复:40年后,我们是不是还存在这个世界,不要考虑太长远了。

May 2011

Question: A resident of Mengzhou, Henan complained online that their company forced employees to work overtime.

Respondent: Municipal government website

Mystical Reply: If you don’t agree with the company, then end your contract and skedaddle. After all, you are free to fly as high as the sky reaches.

2011年5月

问询方:河南孟州市民网上投诉公司强迫加班。

回复方:市政府网站

神回复:如果你对该公司没有认同感,素性解除劳动合同走人吧。毕竟天高任鸟飞呀。

April 2013

Problem: Villagers found that their groundwater had turned red, and that nearly 800 chickens had died after drinking it.

Respondent: Director of the Environmental Protection Department in Cang County, Hebei

Mystical Reply: Red water isn’t the same as substandard water.

2013年4月

问询方:村民发现地下水变成红色,近800只鸡喝后死亡。

回复方:河北沧县环保局局长

神回复:红色的水不等于不达标的水。

Crooked Answers, Full-on Threats

侧面回答 正面威胁

September 2013

Question: Netizens in Jianshi County, Hubei Province petitioned for the publication of a water quality report.

Respondent: Municipal Water Bureau.

Mystical Reply: If anyone intentionally distorts the truth, take a lesson from “Qin Huohuo.” [Qin Zhihui, who went by Qin Huohuo online, is one of two people jailed in August amid an ongoing central government crackdown on Internet rumors.]

2013年9月

问询方:湖北建始县网友请求公布水检测报告。

回复方:县水利水产局

神回复:若有人故意歪曲事实,网络上的“秦火火“将是最生动的教训。

August 2011

Question: Nanyang City, Henan resident took to the web to complain that traffic enforcement had become a game of “issuing fines.”

Respondent: The Public Security Bureau left a message on the bulletin board of the Party secretary and mayor’s website.

Mystical Replies:

  • You’re right, and right to call it out, but you have as much chance against the trend as a mantis trying to halt a moving cart.
  • Public Security will listen to what you say, watch what you do, and observe the aftereffects [of this conversation]. If your provocative words cause any negative social impact, your case will be dealt with accordingly.

2011年8月

问询方:河南南阳市民网上批评成交通整治变“罚款”行动。

回复方:公安局在书记市长网上留言板回复。

神回复:

  • 你的想法也好,呼吁也好,完全是逆潮流而动,是螳臂当车。
  • 公安机关对你听其言,观其行,观后效,密切关注你的煽动性言论是否造成不良社会影响再视情处理。

Beating Them at Their Own Game

事不关己 将计就计

Question: Tearfully complaining about unfair government compensation for a land seizure, a villager asked, “Do you want me to jump off a building?”

Respondent: Shi Guozhong, Party Secretary of Niuquanzigou Town, Chengde City, Hebei

Mystical Reply: “Don’t stop at the first or second floor. If you have to jump, do it from the fifth floor.”

2009年12月

问询方:村民遇拆迁补偿问题,哭诉:“要我去跳楼啊!”。

回复方:河北承德市牛圈子沟镇党委书记史国忠。

神回复:一楼二楼别去啊,要去就去(跳)五楼。

June 2012

Question: A resident in Kunming’s Guandu district called to complain about violations of regulation in a certain neighborhood.

Respondent: Guandu District Office of Letters and Visits employee

Mystical Reply: Take care of it however your heart desires. If you want to complain, go ahead and tell the county or province.

2012年6月

问询方:昆明官渡区市民打电话投诉某小区违规问题。

回复方:官渡街道办事处信访办工作人员。

神回复:你爱咋整就咋整,你要告到市里,省里都行。

Justice and Re-education 

义正辞严 批评教育

Question: A journalist called to ask if there was a pollution report.

Respondent: Director Chen of the Environmental Protection Department in Changle City, Fujian

Mystical Reply: You shouldn’t be calling me. If everyone always picks up of the phone and calls the director, then what’s the point of being a director?

2011年8月

问询方:记者电话询问有没有污染检测报告。

回复方:福建长了市环保局某陈姓局长。

神回复:你也不能打我的电话,一打都打局长,局长很不值钱是不是?

Tell the Truth, Good Comrade

实话实说好同志

February 2013

Question: A netizen from Suining City, Sichuan Province posted a message on the “Netizen Political Participation” website asking for their unpaid salary.

Respondent: Labor Protection Supervision Branch.

Mystical Reply: After consulting the leadership about this matter, we have decided not to issue a response.

2013年2月

问询方:四川遂宁网友在一《网络问政》网上发帖讨薪。

回复方:劳动保障监察支队

神回复:此事已处理,请示领导后,决定不做任何回复。

July 2012

Question: Locals in Yinjiang City, Guizhou reported on the government website that they suspected the village Party secretary of corruption.

Respondent: Official government site

Mystical Reply: In dealing with said official, we’ve had our own difficulties which we won’t mention. Thanks for your understanding!

2012年7月

问询方:贵州印江百姓通过政府官网举报某村支书有疑似贪污行为。

回复方:政府官方网站

神回复:在对任某进行的处理上,我们也有些说不出的难处,请多理解,谢谢!

February 2012

Question: A journalist asked a work unit why it had 10 days off for the National Day holiday [instead of seven as decreed by the State Council].

Respondent: Housing Administration Bureau Staff of Loudi City, Hunan

Mystical Reply: The State Council? But that’s so far away from us!

2013年2月

问询方:记者询问为何该单位国庆节放假10天。

回复方:湖南娄底市房管局工作人员

神回复:国务院?好遥远啊!

Via CDT Chinese. Translation by Junebug.