Comic Relief: Chinese Netizens Find Humor in the Nobel Peace Prize

The following is a collection of jokes and humorous comments about Liu Xiaobo’s Nobel Peace Prize that have been collected online here. Translated by CDT:

Hu Jintao: Has Liu Xiaobo confessed yet?

Prosecutors: He’s confessed everything and we’ve corroborated his statements.

Hu Jintao: So [in Charter ‘08] where does he get the phrase “federated republic?”

Prosecutors: This comes from the report of the second congress of the Chinese Communist Party. The original wording was, “establish a free federated republic.” Only, the word “free” is not in the Charter.

Hu Jintao: Then… then, what about the military being made answerable to the national government and not to a political party?

Prosecutors: We’ve looked into it! This comes from The Selected Works of Zhou Enlai. The original wording was, “We must make the military answerable to the national government.” Only, the word “must” is not in the Charter.

Hu Jintao: Then… then … then, where does all that stuff praising Western style democracy come from?

Prosecutors: The Xinhua Daily ran an editorial that read, “America represents a democratic society.” Only, the Charter doesn’t say “America represents.”

Hu Jintao: Then… then… then, what about an end to one party rule?

Prosecutors: This is a slogan from great grandfather Mao when he opposed the Guomindang [the Nationalists]! The original wording of the slogan was, “Topple the one party dictatorship!” [When the Nationalists were vying for power with the Communists, Mao strongly advocated a multi-party government. Failure to create a multi-party state led to civil war.]

Hu Jintao: Then… then… then… then, what about freedom of association, freedom of speech, and a free press?

Prosecutors: These are all part of the Constitution!

It appears that Taiwan and Mainland China have a certain division of labor when it comes to the Nobel Prize: Taiwan is in charge of awards in natural sciences, and the Mainland is strictly in charge of the Peace Prize.

On October 7th netizens predicted that if on the following day the news broadcasts did not announce the Nobel Peace Prize, then that would mean that the award certainly went to a particular Chinese person.

The Nobel Peace Prize is about to be announced. Tonight, people at Xinhua News, The People’s Daily, The Global Times, The Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and other departments and news agencies are all ready to publish one of two drafts they’ve written. One draft praises the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize; the other criticizes the Nobel Committee.

News flash: At 5:00 PM, Beijing time, the phrase “2010 Nobel Peace Prize” was gloriously inducted into the list of “sensitive words.”

Q: What work unit does the Chinese recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize belong to?

A: The Prison Administration Bureau of the PRC Ministry of Justice

CNN: Premier Wen, what are your views on the Chinese dissident, Liu Xiaobo, winning the Nobel Peace Prize?

Wen Jiabao: I’ve gotten onto a lot of websites but haven’t seen news of this anywhere!

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs must have really had a premonition about Liu Xiaobo. Otherwise how could they get the Associated Press, Agence France-Presse, Reuters, and the BBC to publish like crazy about Liu Xiaobo right when Norway made its final decision?

I strongly encourage the Party Central Committee to immediately take action against those who arrested Liu Xiaobo and sentenced him to eleven years in prison. It was their evil scheming that finally produced a Nobel Peace Prize laureate. It is they who are the greatest enemies to the Communist Party!

Nanjing: Patriotic youth, after learning that Norway awarded the Nobel Prize to Liu Xiaobo, were extremely indignant. They paraded around the streets with petitions and a banner that read, “Boycotting Norway begins with me” urging everyone in the city to boycott Norwegian goods.” One of the enraged demonstrators pulled out a copy of Norwegian Wood, and ignoring the protests of onlookers burned the book on the spot. [Ed.: Norwegian Wood, written by Japanese author, Haruki Marukami, has nothing to do with Norway and everything to do with the Beatles song of the same name.]

After Liu Xiaobo, the man who declared, “I have no enemies,” (Liu Xiaobo’s statement on court) won the Nobel Peace Prize, the guy who runs the Celestial Empire was furious. Racking his brains, he came up with an even better title (for himself): “I have no friends!”

The people who award the Nobel prize are really something. Every time they’re running short on money they give the prize to someone who has no way of claiming the award。

Because news broadcasts were completely silent on the day the Nobel Peace Prize was announced, Liu Xiaobo must have immediately known while in prison that he received the award.

On the message board of the official Nobel Prize Website: I don’t know who Mr. Liu is, but I am thrilled that a Chinese person could have been awarded the Nobel Prize. The Nobel laureate must have been a good member of the Party. The good Party cadres of our nation lead by doing upright deeds.

I hear that a group a Chinese people in Australia couldn’t wait to send their first congratulatory note back to Beijing: “We warmly congratulate the People’s Republic of China in cultivating the first Nobel Laureate from Mainland China. This has shattered the derogatory comments made by Yang Hengjun and others that the Chinese government could never cultivate a Nobel laureate…”

In 61 years, Jinzhou prison has really made great strides. They have gone from locking up war criminals to locking up Nobel laureates!

China is a country that loves peace. It’s just not so fond of peace awards.

This evening I watched the evening news. The last news story was about a panda who had just conceived. The subtext was so subtle; I really have to say that CCTV is improving. “The panda was inseminated.” [This sounds like, “The Domestic Security Department was surprised.”] The fact that CCTV can show such great humor at such a critical juncture is truly a sign of improvement.

The republic has not only locked up Nobel laureates. It has also locked up emperors, the country’s Party chairman [Deng Xiaoping], generals, the Panchen Lama, etc. The prisons, it seems, are just full of talented people!

Xinhua News Agency: In China, even criminals serving prison sentences can easily win the Nobel Peace Prize. This amply proves the superiority of our socialist rule of law state.

Numberless people who share the name, “Liu Xiaobo” are really having it rough. They can’t get any of their text messages! I heard that after Liu Xiaobo received the award, the reporter at CCAV who is also named Liu Xiaobo was in tears. He went home and cursed his mom and dad for giving him such a stupid name; he’ll never be able to leave the country again.

A few days ago all of China was clamoring for Japan to release someone. Now the whole world is clamoring for China to release someone.

I just thought of a technical question about criminal law: can winning the Nobel Prize reduce one’s sentence?

According to Article 78 of the Penal Code, in certain circumstances the punishment of those who earn special recognition should be reduced. One of these circumstances is in subsection 6: “those who make some other great contribution to the nation or to society.”

Liu Xiaobo’s receiving of the Nobel Prize is the crowning achievement of years of scientific experimentation by the Party Committee on Law and Politics:

Gao Zhisheng was sentenced to three years but that was not enough. Hu Jia was sentenced to three years but that was not enough. Chen Guangcheng was sentenced to four and a half years but that was not enough. Tan Zuoren was sentenced to five years but that was not enough……

Finally, Liu Xiaobo was sentenced to 11 years and——bingo!

I have to thank the country and thank the Party!

Microblog administrator: Dear user: enough, enough already. I’ve been deleting your posts from six at night until now without even being able to take a break and eat dinner. The finger I use to delete comments has gone numb!