China Digital Times

Stories tagged with: satire (45)

• Chinese Go Online With Food Safety Jokes

  

  From Reuters:

  Fed up with an almost constant diet of bad news about quality and safety problems, some Chinese are taking out their frustrations with biting jokes on the Internet about the seemingly never-ending scandals.

  In the latest health scare, thousands of Chinese babies have fallen ill and three have died after drinking contaminated milk formula, prompting some Chinese to wonder if there is anything safe to use, and to go online to voice their frustrations.

  One joke, entitled “The lucky day of a Chinese“, takes a look at all the dangerous or unsanitary goods the average Zhou could run into on a daily basis.

  “Get up early, clean your teeth with carcinogenic toothpaste, and drink a glass of expired milk with excess levels of iodine and contaminated with melamine,” it starts, melamine being the compound found tainting the baby milk powder.

  » Read more
  • September 23, 2008 4:06 AM

• Satire: A Happy Day in the Life of an Ordinary Chinese Person (Sanlu edition)

  

  Here is another popular online satire piece, translated by Prof Christopher R Hughes:

  I wake up in the morning and throw off my ‘black heart’ quilt[1]. I turn on the renovated TV that was a prize given when I bought my suit (using a special prize voucher that came with the newspaper). The TV weather forecast says the air condition will be good. I look at the sky for a while – Oh! A very yellow sun! I will not need to wear my acid rain proof raincoat today. After I get out of bed and put on my carcinogenic ‘amine scented’ Walmart clothes[2], and my suit that has been dry cleaned with carcinogenic acetylene tetrachloride, I feel that there is a slight odour on my body and burning in my eyes. Luckily I can freely use my scent for non-pregnant men and the sparkle immediately returns to my eyes. I pick up the toothpaste with its slight traces of the chemical Triclosan[3] and let it react in my mouth with the chlorinated tap water to produce carcinogenic Trichloromethane. I always eat well in the morning and after using the carcinogenic toothpaste I wipe my face with the Benzidine contaminated towel, have a cup of Melamine polluted milk, eat some fried bread sticks (youtiao) cooked in diesel, dipped in some chile source died with Sudan Red, added to a bowl of duck egg gruel with poison rice and egg with large amounts of Lead Oxide, not forgetting of course do add some condiments made with chemical ingredients. After a belch, I put on the helmet I bought for 10 renminbi to keep away the traffic cops and go out. I get on the motorbike which has just had its cut price famous brand brake pads changed and carefully go off to work.

  » Read more
  • September 22, 2008 8:16 PM

• China’s Tainted Food Products Only Harm the Average People, High-Ranking Officials Have Their Own Specially-Supplied Food Sources

  

  While China’s food security crisis has resulted in Chinese people fearing that nothing is safe to eat, a source has revealed that China has always had one special source of food and supply network: that which serves national Communist Party and government officials. This food is specially produced, transported, and examined, according to especially strict standards, translated by CDT.

  On August 18, 2008, State Council (China’s Cabinet) Party and State Organizations Special Food Supply Center Director Zhu Yonglan （祝咏兰）gave the following address:

  » Read more
  • September 20, 2008 7:12 PM

• Tainted Milk Scandal: The Official and Unofficial Response (Updated)

  

  More developments in the contaminated milk case. Reuters reports that the government has ordered more checks on dairy companies and recalled faulty products:

  The State Council, or cabinet, also called on medical authorities to give free examinations and treatment to infants who fell ill after drinking milk contaminated with potentially deadly melamine, the official Xinhua news agency reported.

  The council vowed to punish enterprises and government leaders responsible for the scandal.

  [...] Panicked parents have crowded hospitals and demanded redress since officials and the Sanlu Group, China’s biggest maker of infant milk powder, said last week that babies developed kidney stones and complications after drinking milk made from powder contaminated with melamine, a compound used in making plastics.

  - Danwei translates a news report about an acknowledgment of wrongdoing from the vice governor of Hebei Province, Yang Chongyong:

  In the news conference, Yang Chongyong admitted that the local government is responsible for the Sanlu scandal. Yang also said after knowing the truth, Sanlu did try to to hush it up by paying the victims’ families and the media up until the time it submited a report to the Shijiazhuang Municipal Government on August 2. Shijiazhuang is the capital city of Hebei Province.

  However, after the Shijiazhuang government received the report, it did not, as protocol requires, relay the report immediately to its superior body, the Hebei provincial governments. It was on September 9th that the provincial government finally received the report from the municipal government. But the provincial government, which was supposed to turn the report to the central government immediately, failed to do it.

  If trying to cover things up is what was in the mind of the both governments, there was little point, because word of the problems had already spread, and an investigative committee from Beijing had already arrived.

  - As more dismissals of people held responsible for the tainted milk are reported, the Time China blog asks, “What About Sichuan Schools?”:

  …The authorities are reacting with a swiftness and decisiveness that we have commented recently appears to be very much the central government’s new prime policy when dealing with issues of this nature, a big change from the secrecy and protectiveness that characterized past reactions. But each time this happens it leaves me with a nagging thought: what about the Sichuan earthquake and the schools that collapsed because of corruption and shoddy construction? The government acknowledged that poor construction lay at the root of the problem earlier this month (see here). But so far not a single official or businessman has been detained or questioned, at least to my knowledge. Instead, police have forcibly broken up protests by grieving parents and sometimes forced parents to accept compensation and promise not to raise the issue any further.

  Meanwhile, the New York Times published an editorial about the indirect threat posed to American consumers by the contamination:

  We had been assured by Chinese authorities that their regulators and manufacturers were cracking down on the negligent procedures and criminal acts that have produced lead-laced toys and poisoned pet food, toothpaste and other dangerous goods. But a new scandal involving contaminated baby formula is a frightening reminder that China still is not doing enough to ensure the safety of its products — and a reminder that American importers and regulators cannot let down their guard.

  The tainted milk powder has killed several babies in China and injured more than 6,000 others, many with kidney stones or kidney failure. This is an unconscionable toll and a shameful betrayal of families who relied on their government and corporate leaders to protect them.

  Also from the South China Morning Post:

  Days after the first revelations about babies being poisoned from industrial chemical melamine being added to milk on the mainland, its two biggest producers were still buying substandard milk from suppliers.

  Investigations in Inner Mongolia, the hub of the industry, show that safety loopholes exist in almost every link of the dairy produce chain - from farms to milk-collection stations to major dairies.

  Owners of collection stations that are the middlemen between farmers and production plants say they were only told this week by Mengniu Group and Yili Dairy, the mainland’s top two dairy producers, that the companies would no longer buy discounted milk that failed quality tests.

  » Read more
  • September 19, 2008 9:08 PM

• The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

  

  The Onion News Network, the video arm of the esteemed satirical publication, has produced a clip mocking the fears and hysteria surrounding the upcoming Olympics, titled The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

  (Warning: This is satire.)

  
  The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

  » Read more
  • August 5, 2008 10:27 AM

• Chinese Olympic Team to Wear Tomato Scrambled Egg Uniforms

  

  From ChinaSmack.com:

  China’s Olympic Opening Ceremony uniforms were unveiled Thursday. The uniform’s designer, Liu Ruiqi, said: “When the Chinese delegation comes out, they will certainly catch the eyes of the audience.“

  But many Chinese netizens are not happy. One typical comment is:

  It reminds me of the tomato scrambled eggs dish.

  

  There have been some posts praising the uniforms saying that they look good. Usually, there are replies by people accusing those posters of being “wu mao dang.” One funny reply was like: “Wu Mao brother, ugly is ugly, there is no need to ridiculously claim it is good looking.”

  More photos and netizens’ comments are here.

  » Read more
  • July 28, 2008 10:16 AM

• Chinese Love Letters Over a Half Century

  

  A comparison of Chinese love letters from the 1950’s with a series of brief SMS love messages posted this week on Sina reveals just how far the concept of love has traveled in the reform era. Translated by CDT:

  (A typical marriage photo in 1950’s)

  Dear Brother Cheng:

  Examining our love, under the guidance of three red flags–the general line, the Great Leap Forward, and the people’s communes–in the past year (our relationship) has been following a healthy, intimate, friendly road to flourishing. The main performance is: over the past year, we wrote 95 letters, an average of 3.8 days per letter. I wrote to you 55 times, 58% of the total letters; you wrote to me 40 times, 42%. The longest among the letters was about 3,000 words, the shortest letter was more than 1,200 characters……

  Over the past year, we have dated about 58 times, on average once a week. I invited you 38 times, 66% of the total dates; you invited me 20 times, accounting for 34% of the dates. The average time for each appointment was three hours. The longest was five hours, while the shortest was about one hour…

  Over the past year, I visited your parents 38 times, an average of 9.6 days. You came to my home to visit my parents 36 times, an average of 10.1 days…

  All the above interaction sufficiently shows: We care for each other, love each other, help each other. We are equal and we love each other with a positive attitude. Viewing this in the “divided into two” point, there are also shortcomings and deficiencies. From the data perspective, the development of (our) love for each other is uneven, and we must redouble our efforts in the future. With the pace of the Great Leap Forward, we also need to strengthen our feelings day by day.

  Therefore, in the future, we should strive to focus on the word “love,” pay close attention to the word “pro-,” and implement the word “competent,” push our love to new heights, do a good job in our positions, and complete the party’s various tasks for our younger generation. During the Great Leap Forward years, we depend on the party’s leadership to create conditions for the success of our marriage and the establishment of happy families. Finally, the New Year and Spring Festival is approaching, I wish you advanced thoughts, good health, and happiness!

  Your loved sister

  Running hand on December 27, 1958

  Here are some examples from the 21st century:

  » Read more
  • February 17, 2008 4:17 PM

• Doomed to Repeat It

  

  Austin Ramzy wrote on Time China blog about a transcript of a February 1973 conversation between Chairman Mao and Henry Kissinger.

  Earlier this week the U.S. State Department released a new volume about U.S. foreign relations with China. It included a transcript of a February 1973 conversation between Chairman Mao and Henry Kissinger. Several media outlets (BBC, Bloomberg, and yes, Time.com, via AP) jumped on what seemed to be the most newsworthy aspect of the discussion. Mao offered to send 10 million Chinese women to the U.S. “Let them go to your place,” Mao told the U.S. National Security Advisor. “They will create disasters. That way you can lessen our burdens.

  There are a couple amazing things about this coverage. First off, the conversation is hardly news. The story appeared, though not the exact 10 million figure, in Kissinger’s 1982 memoir “Years of Upheaval,” and in an excerpt TIME ran upon the book’s release. It appeared again later, this time with the verbatim 10 million figure, in the 1999 book “The Kissinger Transcripts.”…

  The odder part about all this is how the story was treated in some coverage, as if this was a potentially legitimate offer from a wild and crazy Mao. It was of course a joke.

  » Read more
  • February 16, 2008 8:23 PM

• Song: Chinese Children

  

  Zhou Yunpeng 周云蓬, 38, is a poet and folk singer based in Beijing. He went blind when he was nine. His last image of the colored world was the elephant in a zoo playing harmonica. This became an inspiration for him to write songs and sing later in his life. He likes to describe pure beautiful nature like a paradise, but he often reminds readers of the coldness of the external world and the struggle within a man’s heart. His language floats like water, his voice is rich and calm. The song below reflects several tragic news events. The helpless and angry tone represents a powerful social and cultural critique from the compassionate artist. Listen here. Music from Sogou, Lyrics translated by CDT:

  Don’t be a child of Karamay, you would burn your skin and make a mother’s heart ache

  Don’t be a child of Shalan town, you wouldn’t fall asleep under the inky black water

  Don’t be a child of Chengdu parents, a drug addicted mother doesn’t go home for seven days and nights

  Don’t be a child of Henan parents, AIDS in the blood laughs out loud

  Don’t be a child of Shanxi parents, your father would become a basket of coal and you would never see him again

  Don’t be a child of Chinese, when they starve they would eat you

  They’re worse than the old goat in the wilderness, whose eyes might become aggressive to protect their little ones

  Don’t be a child of Chinese, the parents are all too weak

  To prove their hearts are as hard as iron and stone, when death is imminent, they save their leaders first.

  ＝＝

  Another song by Zhou, called Empty Cup, goes like this:

  Children go out to play, haven’t returned
  Old men go to sleep, haven’t awakened
  Only middle-aged men sit lost in thought
  Night falls, lights come on, time for home
  Children dream of their own children
  Old men think of their grandmas
  Only middle-aged men are busy planting wheat
  Growing and deteriorating, the flowers have bloomed
  Turned to dust, turned to dust
  Grown, turned to dust
  Flowers bloomed, turned to dust
  Water ran for ten years, turned to dust
  Clouds floated for ten years, turned to dust
  ==
  Read some Chinese critiques of Zhou’s music at here, here and here. His profile is on the Southern Weekend.

  Another music video based on Zhou’s music and story of missing children of Shanxi brick kiln.

  

  » Read more
  • February 11, 2008 4:00 PM

• Cartoon: An Alternative Olympic Countdown - Lao Jiang (老蒋)

  

  While the official “2008 Olympic Countdown” clock is prominently displayed on the Tiananmen Square, some Chinese bloggers have also come up with their own version. Here is a humorous flash: a clock counting down the days till the Olympics are finished, via Rebecca MacKinnon’s Rconversation blog.

  See also: “Olympic Posters with Chinese Characterastics” on CDT.

  » Read more
  • February 6, 2008 10:12 PM

• New Drinking Songs

  

  Political jingles are not new in China. Even in Mao’s time, powerless people at the bottom of society used jingles to express themselves (often in the form of veiled criticism, sarcasm or anger, in reaction to the dominance of official propaganda).

  In the Internet age, those kinds of “songs of the weak” now have an explicit space to be collaboratively (and anonymously) composed and distributed. The following is called “New drinking songs,” thanks to David Kelly for the translation:

  Drinking songs are a custom at Chinese banquets. A person starts a form and the person next to him must follow the same form to create a similar one. Whoever fails to do so has to take a drink of hard liquor.

  Mayor:

  My chopsticks are pointed; my plate is round,

  I’ve been in hundreds of thousands of hotels,

  I’ve eaten at thousands of hundreds of restaurants,

  Did I spend a single penny? No! *

  » Read more
  • January 25, 2008 9:23 PM

• Beijing WC, Illustrated - Jeremy Goldkorn

  

  A university student named Eric Mu wrote this article to illustrate a squat toilet in Beijing, via Danwei:

  So this is Beijing, where the shiny futuristic-looking skyscrapers are many while the public toilets are few and far between.

  Maybe you’ve had one glimpse or two of real Beijing WC, somewhere down in a deep hutong: brick concrete structure, men one side, ladies the other, decorated with big or small Chinese characters indicating something political, or vulgar, sometimes both. There are also the posters on the wall giving you medical advice to treat certain kinds of diseases that you do not want others to know about; and the phone numbers of people who promise you counterfeited anything, from a college degree to residence permit. Most importantly, these Beijing WC are — as far as I know, with no exception — forbiddingly and intimidatingly smelly and disgusting….[Full Text]

  [Image by the Beijing-based graphic designer Su Wei, via Danwei]

  » Read more
  • January 22, 2008 9:44 AM

• Ten Possible Phrases We May Hear in Beijing Olympics, 2008

  

  A blog “Love and the city” posted a collection of “Ten Possible Phrases We May Hear in Beijing Olympics, 2008.” [Full Text]

  1. “本届奥运会是有史以来最好的一次“——-国际奥委会主席雅克·罗格

  “The Beijing Olympics is the best one in our Olympics’ history.” Jacques Rogge, the president of the International Olympic Committee

  2. “XXX，获得了此枚金牌后，此时此刻，你的心情是怎样的？” —–某体育记者

  “xxx, What’s your mood after you won this gold medal?” -A sports journalist

  3. “感谢我的教练，感谢我的祖国，感谢我的家乡父老，我……我，当我看到五星红旗为我而升起的时候，我是无比自豪啊……”泣不成声，采访中断。——–中国某金牌运动员

  “Thanks to my trainer, thanks to my country, and thanks to every leader in my hometown. I…I…When I saw our five-star National Flag rising up slowly, I felt…so proud…” (Crying too hard to talk, the interview breaks off.) -A gold medal athlete.

  » Read more
  • January 10, 2008 3:39 PM

• Top ‘Jokes’ in China 2007 - ESWN

  

  From ESWN:

  “If there is something that you don’t understand, just remember that this is China and you will understand!”

  The following list of ‘jokes’ was compiled by a Tianya netizen named Laome2018 (via Sohoxiaobao). These ‘jokes’ are not funny at all; in fact, they are solemn and dismal. But these are extraordinary times in China. If you can’t laugh at them, then life is really grim … [Full text]

  » Read more
  • December 18, 2007 8:11 PM

• I’m The U.N. Undersecretary Your Mother Warned You About - The Onion

  

  The following is a satirical look at U.N. Undersecretary-General for Economic and Social Affairs Sha Zukang, from The Onion:

  From the moment I showed up at the General Assembly, the other countries knew I was trouble. They took one look at my three- button navy suit jacket and my dark, searing eyes, and prayed to whatever God they knew up there to keep their daughters safe from me. I guess it was the way I just waltzed right in, pulled my collar up, looked Ol’ Ban Ki-moon dead in the eyes and asked if we were gonna sit around talking like a bunch of nancies all day or do something about child slavery in Burma. “Just what are you the U.N. Undersecretary of?” they asked. “Well,” I said, stubbing out a cigarette on my wingtips. “What do you got?”

  See, I’m not like those other public servants who are dedicated to saving succeeding generations from the scourge of war and promoting social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom. I’m dangerous. I play by my own set of detailed bureaucratic procedures. I’m a rebel. A rogue. And I make the ladies swoon from sub-Saharan Africa to the shantytowns of the Mekong River Delta.

  So don’t call me Undersecretary-General for Economic and Social Affairs Sha Zukang. Call me Daddy. [Full Text]
  
  

  The Onion is a United States-based parody newspaper published weekly in print and daily online.
  
  

  » Read more
  • December 14, 2007 5:27 PM