When a government official defies all logic, some Chinese netizens chalk it up to living in a “mystical country.” There are no prizes for most baffling responses to citizen inquiries, but Weibo user @神笔记 (Mystical Notes) has compiled a shortlist.

Most Mystical Government Replies

最强官方神回复

Concern for Family Members

语出惊人 问候家人

November 2013

Question: A resident called Lüchun Municipal Health Bureau’s service line in Zhejiang.

Respondent: The call was transferred to a staff member’s cell phone. The employee on duty didn’t want to answer the phone, but later responded with a text message:

Mystical Reply: Let me guess, your Mom croaked?

2013年11月

问询方：浙江绿春市民打电话咨询。

回复方：电话呼转到手机，绿春县卫生局值班工作人员不肯接电话，后发短信回复。

神回复：是不是你妈去死了。

Critical Thinking and Patient Instruction

擅长思辨 谆谆教导

March 2011

Question: A Langzhong, Sichuan resident inquired online why merchandising rights last for only 40 years.

Respondent: Langzhong Land and Resources Bureau website

Mystical Reply: Whether we’ll still exist in 40 years is questionable. Why worry about the long term?

2011年3月

问询方：四川阆中居民网上询问为何商品产权只有40年。

回复方：阆中市国土局官方网站

神回复：40年后，我们是不是还存在这个世界，不要考虑太长远了。

May 2011

Question: A resident of Mengzhou, Henan complained online that their company forced employees to work overtime.

Respondent: Municipal government website

Mystical Reply: If you don’t agree with the company, then end your contract and skedaddle. After all, you are free to fly as high as the sky reaches.

2011年5月

问询方：河南孟州市民网上投诉公司强迫加班。

回复方：市政府网站

神回复：如果你对该公司没有认同感，素性解除劳动合同走人吧。毕竟天高任鸟飞呀。

April 2013

Problem: Villagers found that their groundwater had turned red, and that nearly 800 chickens had died after drinking it.

Respondent: Director of the Environmental Protection Department in Cang County, Hebei

Mystical Reply: Red water isn’t the same as substandard water.

2013年4月

问询方：村民发现地下水变成红色，近800只鸡喝后死亡。

回复方：河北沧县环保局局长

神回复：红色的水不等于不达标的水。

Crooked Answers, Full-on Threats

侧面回答 正面威胁

September 2013

Question: Netizens in Jianshi County, Hubei Province petitioned for the publication of a water quality report.

Respondent: Municipal Water Bureau.

Mystical Reply: If anyone intentionally distorts the truth, take a lesson from “Qin Huohuo.” [Qin Zhihui, who went by Qin Huohuo online, is one of two people jailed in August amid an ongoing central government crackdown on Internet rumors.]

2013年9月

问询方：湖北建始县网友请求公布水检测报告。

回复方：县水利水产局

神回复：若有人故意歪曲事实，网络上的“秦火火“将是最生动的教训。

August 2011

Question: Nanyang City, Henan resident took to the web to complain that traffic enforcement had become a game of “issuing fines.”

Respondent: The Public Security Bureau left a message on the bulletin board of the Party secretary and mayor’s website.

Mystical Replies:

• You’re right, and right to call it out, but you have as much chance against the trend as a mantis trying to halt a moving cart.
• Public Security will listen to what you say, watch what you do, and observe the aftereffects [of this conversation]. If your provocative words cause any negative social impact, your case will be dealt with accordingly.

2011年8月

问询方：河南南阳市民网上批评成交通整治变“罚款”行动。

回复方：公安局在书记市长网上留言板回复。

神回复：

• 你的想法也好，呼吁也好，完全是逆潮流而动，是螳臂当车。
• 公安机关对你听其言，观其行，观后效，密切关注你的煽动性言论是否造成不良社会影响再视情处理。

Beating Them at Their Own Game

事不关己 将计就计

Question: Tearfully complaining about unfair government compensation for a land seizure, a villager asked, “Do you want me to jump off a building?”

Respondent: Shi Guozhong, Party Secretary of Niuquanzigou Town, Chengde City, Hebei

Mystical Reply: “Don’t stop at the first or second floor. If you have to jump, do it from the fifth floor.”

2009年12月

问询方：村民遇拆迁补偿问题，哭诉：“要我去跳楼啊！”。

回复方：河北承德市牛圈子沟镇党委书记史国忠。

神回复：一楼二楼别去啊，要去就去（跳）五楼。

June 2012

Question: A resident in Kunming’s Guandu district called to complain about violations of regulation in a certain neighborhood.

Respondent: Guandu District Office of Letters and Visits employee

Mystical Reply: Take care of it however your heart desires. If you want to complain, go ahead and tell the county or province.

2012年6月

问询方：昆明官渡区市民打电话投诉某小区违规问题。

回复方：官渡街道办事处信访办工作人员。

神回复：你爱咋整就咋整，你要告到市里，省里都行。

Justice and Re-education 

义正辞严 批评教育

Question: A journalist called to ask if there was a pollution report.

Respondent: Director Chen of the Environmental Protection Department in Changle City, Fujian

Mystical Reply: You shouldn’t be calling me. If everyone always picks up of the phone and calls the director, then what’s the point of being a director?

2011年8月

问询方：记者电话询问有没有污染检测报告。

回复方：福建长了市环保局某陈姓局长。

神回复：你也不能打我的电话，一打都打局长，局长很不值钱是不是？

Tell the Truth, Good Comrade

实话实说好同志

February 2013

Question: A netizen from Suining City, Sichuan Province posted a message on the “Netizen Political Participation” website asking for their unpaid salary.

Respondent: Labor Protection Supervision Branch.

Mystical Reply: After consulting the leadership about this matter, we have decided not to issue a response.

2013年2月

问询方：四川遂宁网友在一《网络问政》网上发帖讨薪。

回复方：劳动保障监察支队

神回复：此事已处理，请示领导后，决定不做任何回复。

July 2012

Question: Locals in Yinjiang City, Guizhou reported on the government website that they suspected the village Party secretary of corruption.

Respondent: Official government site

Mystical Reply: In dealing with said official, we’ve had our own difficulties which we won’t mention. Thanks for your understanding!

2012年7月

问询方：贵州印江百姓通过政府官网举报某村支书有疑似贪污行为。

回复方：政府官方网站

神回复：在对任某进行的处理上，我们也有些说不出的难处，请多理解，谢谢！

February 2012

Question: A journalist asked a work unit why it had 10 days off for the National Day holiday [instead of seven as decreed by the State Council].

Respondent: Housing Administration Bureau Staff of Loudi City, Hunan

Mystical Reply: The State Council? But that’s so far away from us!

2013年2月

问询方：记者询问为何该单位国庆节放假10天。

回复方：湖南娄底市房管局工作人员

神回复：国务院？好遥远啊！