Bo Xilai was surprisingly outspoken at his trial last week, lashing out at his “insane” wife Gu Kailai and his former right-hand man Wang Lijun before revealing the “unrequited love” (暗恋) between the two. China watchers who anticipated a quick show trial were left wondering how far Bo had veered from the “script”–most observers expected a swift show trial, but Bo’s performance cast his complicity with the system in doubt.

For those who don’t have the time to read Xinhua’s official summary of the trial, an anonymous RenRen user has taken license to distill the drama of the five-day hearing into–what else–a script. You can also follow our liveblog of reflections on the trial.

A note on the translation: The Bo Xilai in this satirical piece often refers to himself as 劳资 láo zī, a play on the slang first-person pronoun 老子 lǎozi. 劳资 literally means “labor and capital.”

Day One

第一天

Prosecutor: Your wife received money.

公诉人：你老婆收人钱了

Governor-General: Oh.

都督：哦

Prosecutor: Do you know the person who offered her money?

公诉人：给钱的人你认识么

Governor-General: Somewhat, not quite.

都督：认识，不熟

Prosecutor: Did you offer him any perks?

公诉人：你给他好处了么？

Governor-General: I did official business according to official principles.

都督：我公事公办

Prosecutor: Did you know that your wife and child got money from him?

公诉人：你知道你老婆孩子拿人钱了么？

Governor-General: No.

都督：不知道

Prosecutor: Didn’t she tell you?

公诉人：她没跟你说

Governor-General: Do you think people of our standing just bump into each other and start talking about money?

都督：我们这种身份品味的人一碰面就谈钱？

Prosecutor: Xu Ming, did you give money to Governor-General’s wife and child?

公诉人：徐明，你给都督老婆孩子钱了么？

Xu Ming: I did.

徐明：给了

Prosecutor: Did he know that you did?

公诉人：他知道么？

Xu Ming: No, he didn’t.

徐明：不知道

Governor-General: See? What did I tell you?

都督：你看我说什么来着？

Prosecutor: Dammit…! Court adjourned!

公诉人：尼玛…！休庭！

Day Two

第二天

Prosecution: All this is evidence… (7,000 omitted)

正方：这些都是证据… (省略一万字)

Defense: Finished?

反方：说完了？

Prosecution: Finished.

正方：说完了

Defense: Any evidence?

反方：证据呢？

Prosecution: Dammit, isn’t all this evidence?!!

正方：尼玛这不都是证据么？！！

Defense: These are all just depositions, all he-said she-said. Is there any physical evidence to show that I knew about the villa and my son’s travels?

反方：这都是口供，都是他们说他们说，有物证证明我知道别墅啊，我儿子出去玩儿这些事儿么？

Prosecution: …Testimony, testimony, one proves the other!!! Isn’t that sufficient?!!

正方：……证词，证词相互佐证的！！！还不够么？！！

Defense: Is it? Sufficient? Heh heh.

反方：是么？够么？呵呵。

Morning, Day Three

第三天上午

(1)
Prosecution: Mr. Wang Zhenggang, tell us, did he give you the idea to give money to his wife?

正方：王，你说，是不是他授意你把钱给他老婆的？

Wang: It seems… I guess… yes!

王：好像…似乎…是！

Defense: Did I call and ask my wife in front of you?

反方：我当着你的面打电话问我老婆的？

Wang: Yes.

王：是

Defense: And I didn’t ask if anyone else knew about this?

反方：我也没打听有没有其他人知道？

Wang: No.

王：没有

Defense: Am I a f*cking idiot? I just embezzled money without checking if anyone else knew about it? Who do you think you are? Do I know you? How could I have called my wife in front of you to talk about embezzling money?

反方：尼玛我是傻逼啊都不清楚有没有别人知道我就贪？你谁啊我跟你很熟么我当着你的面给我老婆打电话说贪污？

Prosecution: If you didn’t tell your wife, how could the money end up in your wife’s account? You must have told her! You must have!

正方：你要没跟你老婆说，钱怎么会在你老婆账户里？你一定说了！你就是说了！

Defense: Do you think I’m broke? My wife is no idiot, and she’s loaded? Do you think we really needed the 5 million yuan?

反方：你当劳资很穷是么？劳资的老婆很有本事很有钱的好么？缺你这500万？

Prosecution: …You really are a pig!!!

正方：…你肯定有贪欲！！！

Judge: Mr. Wang, please behave yourself…

审判长：正方你注意点形象…

(2)
Judge: You two, please proceed.

审判长：二位继续。

Prosecution: Your wife said that you knew. How can you continue to deny it?

正方：你老婆都说你知道了你还不认！

Defense: My wife…sigh. Let me tell you… I had an affair, so you know, my wife took my son and ran off to the UK. How could I know what happened after that? And what’s more, my wife killed a man. If she had committed any economic crimes, she would be dead by now. Of course she testified that embezzlement was my idea. We’re still in love. I don’t blame her…

反方：我老婆…唉…我跟你们说…我曾经出轨过，于是你们懂的，老婆带着儿子跑到英国去了…之后的事儿我怎么会知道。而且我老婆杀了人，她要再有经济问题，不就死定了么，检举说我授意贪污很正常。我们还是很有感情的，我不怪她…

Prosecution: …Dammit, what do you mean?! Before you said your wife is mentally ill, and now you say this!

正方：……尼玛你什么意思？！之前说你老婆有神经病，现在说这个！！

Defense: I don’t mean anything by it, I’m just telling the truth. Your Honor, please take this into consideration.

反方：没什么意思，我说的是实话，请审判长考虑。

Judge: …

审判长：……

Afternoon, Day Three

第三天下午

Judge: Bring Chief Wang Lijun.

审判长：带王将军

Judge: Chief Wang, do you have anything to say?

审判长：王将军有何话讲？

General: Yes! Of course yes! His Highness and I have been like brothers for years. I helped protect his son when the young man went abroad. When his wife committee murder, I was the first person to tell him. I worked myself to the bone for him. But he, he, he… He beat me because of his wife! He beat me! He didn’t slap my face, he actually punched me! He drew blood! I was so heartbroken!!

将军：有！怎么没有！我跟王爷是多年好基友啊！他儿子出国我帮他保护，他老婆杀了人，我也是第一告诉他的！我为他卖命又流血，他他他！他居然为了他老婆打我！他打我！他不是打我一巴掌，他是给了我一拳！都打出血了！我好伤心的！！

Prosecution: Hey now, hey you! Let me…

正方：你看看，你看看！啧啧啧！

Defense: You little fart! I made you my f*cking right-hand man. If my wife wanted to kill someone, you could have either stopped her or helped her. But instead you did nothing. You just let act like a fool and kill someone, and then let the investigation proceed. Then a month-and-a-half later, you told me, “I am the chief of police, I have to investigate. Your wife killed a man. You have to face reality…” F*ck me, tell me I didn’t owe you a good punch!

反方：你放屁！我TM当你是心腹，我老婆要杀人，你要么拦着，要么帮着。你特么啥也没干，就这么让她傻逼呵呵的把人给杀了，然后放任这个案子让人查下去。拖一个半月回来告诉我：我是个公安局长我得查案啊，你老婆杀了人，领导你要面对现实啊……卧槽你说你欠不欠揍！

General: I was being responsible for you!

将军：我这是为你负责！

Defense: You two-faced bag of slime! It was you who had your lackeys turn her in! And still you play the loyal servant!

反方：你人品有问题！你就是个两面派！是你指使你手下告发她的！你还装忠臣！

General: I didn’t!

将军：我没有！

Defense: You did!

反方：你有！

General: You! (7,000 words omitted)

将军：你！（省略一万字）

Defense: I have nothing more to say! Your Honor, I have just one more thing: he is talking nonsense! I hit him, he hates me, and he’s bullshitting. I leave it to you.

反方：我不跟你说了！审判长，我就一句话，他就是胡说八道呢！我打了他，他恨我，就在那儿扯淡。你看着办吧。

Judge: …Eh… Ajourned.

审判长：……咳 …休庭

The Last Two Days

最后两天

Judge: Everyone look at the camera: one, two, three, action!

审判长：各位看镜头：一，二，三，action！

Prosecution: we believe we have a firm case against the defendent. You see, we have testimony from your wife, your good friend, your former colleagues, and your son’s moneybag Xu Ming. Their depositions are mutually supportive, you see, and consistent, and credible!

正方：对于反方的罪行，我们认为证据确凿，你看，有你老婆说的，你好基友说的，你原来工友说的，还有你儿子的钱袋徐明说的，这是互相印证的嘛，他们的证词是一直稳定的，可信的！

Prosecution: Furthermore, you misused your power to force Chief Wang out. Look, you hit him in front of his subordinates and even drew blood! Is it not clear that you were pressuring him? Is it not clear that you wouldn’t allow him to investigate your wife? But wait, there’s more… (7,000 words omitted)

正方：还有你滥用职权，逼走将军的事儿，你看看你看看，你当着人家下属的面打人家，还打出血了！这不是明摆着摆脸子施压么？明摆着不让人家查你老婆么？还有啊还有啊，（省略一万字）

Prosecution: In all, the evidence is irrefutable! Now you’re reneging, withdrawing your confession! On what ground do you claim that your testimony is true and everyone else’s is false? What punishment do you think you deserve for denying your crime?

正方：综上，证据确凿！你就是抵赖！你就是翻供！凭啥你说的就准，人家说的就都不对？你拒不认罪该当何罪！！

Defense: Mutually supportive testimony my ass! I’ve pointed out a million inconsistencies in the witnesses’ testimonies. Didn’t your big ears catch that?

反方：尼玛，证词互相印证个屁！劳资之前指出证人证词那么多矛盾点，你长耳朵听没有啊你！

Look, all this corruption and bribery you talk about from when I was mayor of Dalian, what exactly did I do that wasn’t in the public interest? What did I do that wasn’t for the good of Dalian? Was supporting the soccer team a sin? Well, let me tell you, if that’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right! You didn’t like Dalian Shide F.C., eh? Aren’t you afraid a soccer fan’s going to pop you on the head with a brick for saying that?

你看看你说的什么贪污受贿的事儿，都是劳资在干大连市长的时候的事儿，劳资哪一样不是公事公办？哪一样不是为了大连好？搞足球队还成了我的罪过了是么，劳资告诉你，就算你说它是罪过，劳资也骄傲！咋的，我们实德足球不好么？说不好你不怕出门球迷拍你一板砖么？

After all these years, I should at least be credited for my effort, if not my accomplishment, in service to the party-state. Do you have any idea how busy I was? I was running all over the place. How can you possibly expect me day in, day out to remember “to bring the receipt, dear~”? What am I, an accountant?

这么多年了，不说别的，劳资对党国没有功劳也有苦劳吧？劳资有多忙你知道不？到处跑你知道不？难道你要劳资天天记得”亲，报发票~“么？你当劳资是会计啊？

Chongqing was so poor back then! It didn’t have sh*t. I visited every one of its 14 poverty-stricken counties. I was dog tired. And then I come home to hear about my son running off to some crazy place. My wife is a cultured woman of impeccable taste. Do you think she would quibble over chicken feathers and garlic peels with me? Who’s the idiot, her or you?

重庆当年多穷啊，屁都没有，十四个贫困县劳资一个一个跑过去看的，累的跟狗一样，回家还要听自己儿子跑哪儿疯去么？劳资的老婆也是个有高尚趣味的文化人啊，你当她没事儿在家跟我说鸡毛蒜皮是么？她傻逼还是你傻逼啊？

As for my second son, you all know that I also have an elder son. This is my second wife. She praises Guagua to the skies, in order to show how much more wonderful he is than my first son. How do you praise your kids? Do you brag, “My son has borrowed money again,” or “My son has been living it up,” or “my son is off to another party”? Could you do that?

说起我二儿子，你们也知道，我还有个大儿子。我这个老婆是二婚。她天天在我面前把瓜瓜夸的跟朵花一样，好看起来比我家老大牛逼。你们夸自家孩子咋夸？难道说我儿子又拿人钱了？我儿子又到处玩儿了？我儿子跟人家又去开party？不能够吧？

I’m not boasting. I won’t ask any other question but this. You’ve investigated me for so long, you must have a clear answer—am I the kind of guy who cares about what I put into my mouth and wear on my back? You must know what I have in my closet. I don’t even f*cking own a halfway decent watch!

咱不是吹的，不说别的，你们搜了那么久，自个儿心里清楚，我是讲究吃穿用的人么？我穿的是什么，家里放的啥衣服你们也清楚吧？我TM连块儿好点的表都没有！

Prosecution: …Then how do you explain the abuse of power part? You’re persecuting the investigator!

正方：……你咋个解释你滥用职权啊？你还迫害查案人员！

Defense: The Chief’s defection was my blunder in terms of our national interest, but I committed no crime. You’ve been suggesting that it was I who deliberately framed the General and forced him to defect. Is that what you mean? I don’t deserve this accusation! But since we are already here, I’m not afraid to show you the skeletons in my closet.

反方：将军投敌，我于国有大过失，却没有罪。你这话里话外的意思，都是劳资故意设计害将军，一个没留神，把将军逼反了，是这个意思吧？这罪名我可担不起！既然话都说到这儿了，我也不怕曝个家丑

(Judge: Wait, this isn’t in the script, is it?)

（审判长：等等，这剧本备注里没有这段吧？）

Defense: Chief Wang, had a crush, on my wife! I even found letters confessing his love!!!

反方：王将军他，暗恋，我，老婆！他还写信表白被我发现了！！！

F*ck me… it’s been so many years… do you all know how hurt I felt… my wife has always been… been flirting with him… I am a government official… we’ve been like brothers for years. What a shame for the family…!!!

卧槽…这么多年了…劳资有多难过你们心里清楚么…我老婆一直跟他…跟他暧昧…劳资是官场上的人啊…这又是多年的兄弟，家丑啊…！！！

We’ve been married for 27 years and we are really in love. But my wife just flirted with him and there was nothing substantial. Even if I was not happy with it, I didn’t have anything to say. Besides, I also had an affair. What standing did I have…

我跟我老婆27年夫妻，真的是很有感情的，可是我老婆跟他就是暧昧，也没什么实质的，劳资就算心里看着不爽，也说不出什么来！再说我也出过轨，我哪有资格说…

Do you know why I beat him? He was in love with my wife for sure, yet he sent his subordinates to report her! Yes! I believe it was him! What in the world is that? I have endured so much for him, yet he goes and does this!

你们知道劳资为什么揍他么？他明明喜欢我老婆，他还指使手下告发她！对！劳资就是认为他指使的！你说！这是什么事儿？！劳资都这么忍了，他还来这么一出！

So I’ll tell you, Wang Lijun has no conscience! Why did he flee? Because he was up to something! He broke my family, seduced my wife, then turned his back on her! He’s jealous of me! How can you trust what he says? How!!

所以我跟你们说，王立军他就是道德败坏！他为啥跑？！他心里有鬼他才跑！他破坏我家庭，勾引我老婆，他还害我老婆！他嫉妒我！他的话你们怎么能信！怎么能信！！

Judge (wiping sweat): Um… Please, stay calm. Does the prosecution have anything to say?

审判长（擦汗）：那个，反方，你别激动，正方，你有什么要说的？

Prosecution: You’ve really got guts. You didn’t even mind telling the world that you’re a cuckold. Well done! Don’t you think you’re the one without a conscience?

正方：你可真可以，连自己戴绿帽子的事儿都往外说，你够狠！你不觉得很缺德么？

Defense: You made a woman testify against her own husband, and you think I’m the immoral one?

反方：你们要一个女人控告自己的丈夫，你们倒觉得缺德了？

Judge: Stop! Jump to curtain call!

审判长：停！直接说谢幕台词！

Prosecution: Your Honor, you’ve been wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, surely to can see that we have sufficient evidence. The defense has committed serious crime and terrible evil. Justice will prevail~

正方：审判长你这几天特棒，观众朋友们，你看我们的证据是不是特别充足呢~ 反方罪大恶极，正义是一定会打败邪恶滴~

Defense: Your Honor, you’ve been magnanimous. The guys here in Shandong are good and pure, and have treated me well. I haven’t suffered any serious wrong at their hands. I was not able to control my wife and son, nor could I control my friends. I, I think I’m a big failure. But, no matter how I treated the common folk, they all know the score. I am an old man–I don’t have much time left to change my life. My dear wife, at this point, I don’t have much to say to you. I don’t blame you either, really.

反方：审判长您这几天特有风度~ 山东的汉子们都挺憨厚，待我不错，我没受什么大委屈，我没管好我老婆儿子，我也没看好我的弟兄，我，我觉得我挺失败的。但我对百姓怎么样，百姓们心里都有数。我也这么大岁数了，这辈子估计也这样了。老婆啊，都到这一步，我也没啥可说的了，我也不怪你，真的。

Judge: Ok, cut!

审判长：ok，cut！

Via CDT Chinese. Translation by Mengyu Dong.