As the 18th Party Congress fast approaches, Beijing residents have found their city under lock-down. Fruit knives are gone from store shelves. Ping pong balls are objects of suspicion. Security volunteers, distinguished by red armbands, patrol the streets. Here’s what some of the denizens of Weibo have to say about the wind-up to China’s leadership transition:
CountryOfShepards: The 18th Party Congress is starting. Whoever isn’t happy will go to prison.
养羊大国：斯巴达都召开了。谁不幸福，谁进监狱。ZuoyeBen: You’re barred from taking kitchen knives and scissors onto trains, airport security grabs your crotch, you have to fill out a form to take a taxi to Chang’an Avenue, the back windows in taxis are sealed tight, big concerts are postponed, kitchen knives are off the shelves, the filming of large-scale movies is postponed. No letting balloons go, no flying for fun, no trucks within the Fifth Ring Road. You have to give your real name to buy a remote-controlled airplane. No organized school trips in autumn. Foot massage parlors aren’t allowed to shut the door on private rooms… I deserve a Certificate of Good Personhood.
作业本：坐火车禁止携带菜刀与剪刀，机场安检摸裤裆，打出租去长安街要填表，封死出租车后窗，大型演唱会活动延期，菜刀暂时下架，大场面电影拍摄延期，禁放气球，禁娱乐性飞行，五环内外地禁行货车，购买遥控飞机要实名，学校不得组织秋游，足底店单间不准关门……求良民证。
MurongXuecun: Prince Huan of Cai was terrified of sharp objects in his later years and banned metal tools from entering his home. Swords, spears, even needles were barred. One day he fell deathly ill and summoned Bian Que. Taking his bag, Bian Que went to Prince Huan. The guard at the door stopped him and said, “There are metal instruments in your bag. They are not allowed.” Bian Que complied and took out his knife. The guard would still not let him in, saying, “There are needles in your bag. They are not allowed.” Bian Que was angered and turned back. When asked about Prince Huan’s illness, Bian Que would say, “He cannot be saved.” When pressed how he knew this, Bian Que would reply, “Doctors are skilled at using needles to cure their patients. If he cannot even bear to look at a needle, pray tell me how I can save him!”
慕容雪村： 蔡桓公晚年甚怕尖物，禁止铁器入府，刀枪不可，针亦不可。一日病笃，使召扁鹊，扁鹊携医囊以往，阍者阻之，曰：囊中有铁器，不可。扁鹊遂弃其刀。仍阻之， 曰：囊中有针，不可。扁鹊怒而返，或问蔡桓公病，扁鹊曰：没救了。问：何以知之？扁鹊曰：医者所擅，针贬事也。连个针都见不得，叫我如何救得他？
E-magazine: The Best F’ing Congress in the Galaxy: 2,270 Party members representing 80 million Party members, 76 million Communist Youth League members, 130 million Young Pioneers and 1.4 billion Chinese people (including our countrymen in Hong Kong, Macau and Taiwan) are holding a Congress for our leadership transition. Then there are 2.3 million military personnel, 1.6 million public security officers and 1.2 million armed police on standby (not counting chengguan and unconventional armed forces). Only during this grand Congress in the imperial capital does the number of volunteers reach 1.4 million. By rough estimate, the resources consumed during this period could fuel an infinite number of elections in the world’s 200 countries and territories.
E- magazine：【银河系最牛叉的大会】2270个党员代表8000万党员、7600万共青团、1.3亿先队员、14亿中国人（含港澳台同胞）开个换届 大会，竟有230万各式兵种、160万公安干警、120万武警战士一线待命（城管非常规武装忽略不计）。仅帝都大会期间志愿者达140万。据估算大会期间 所耗可供世界200来个国家、地区N次大选。
DisguisedInXian: This Is How We Spent the Last Five Years: 2008: Welcoming the Beijing Olympics; 2009: welcoming the 60th anniversary of the founding of New China; 2010: welcoming the Shanghai World Expo; 2011: welcoming the 90th anniversary of the founding of the Chinese Communist Party; 2012: welcoming Sparta. During the next five years we can welcome a rise in oil prices; welcome houses being demolished; welcome “crossing the river by groping the stones” to grope at the teat; welcome poisoned food blossoming across the land; and welcome corrupt officials relocating to the U.S.…
假装在西安：过去五年我们这样走过] 2008年：喜迎北京奥运会；2009年：喜庆新中国成立60周年；2010年：喜迎上海世博会；2011年：喜迎建D90周年；2012年：喜迎斯巴 达。下一个五年，我们可以：喜迎油价再次上涨，喜迎房子被强拆，喜迎摸石头过河摸到乳头，喜迎毒食品遍地开花，喜迎贪官定居美国…
OldXuComment: The city of Beijing mobilized 1.4 million volunteers to take part in security work at the 18th Party Congress. There are 2,270 Congress representatives. An average of 616.74 people are protecting each representative. And that’s before you count all the armed police, civilian police, civilian soldiers and people on the streets wearing red patrol bands. Absolutely safe!
老徐时评：北京市动员140万名志愿者参加十八大安保工作，十八大代表总计2270人，平均616.74人保护一名代表，还没算上武警民警民兵及街道戴红箍巡逻的，绝对安全！
CangHongfei: Excuse me @PeacefulBeijing, you’ve removed all the window cranks from Beijing’s taxis. The windows can’t be opened. I’d like to know, have you considered how awkward it would be if a passenger gets into a cab and the driver breaks wind? What should we do? Should we really say, “You’ve farted, right? I can’t open the window here. Could I trouble you to open yours?” See, I’m in this damn situation right now. I’m about to pass out!
臧鸿飞：请问@平安北京 你们把北京出租车所有窗户的摇把卸掉了 开不了窗 请问你们考虑过没有 如果一上车 司机放了一屁 我们作为乘客是多么尴尬吗 我们该怎么办 难道说：大哥 放屁了吧 我这边开不了 麻烦把你那边窗户打开！我现在就他妈赶上了 我都快晕倒了！
Yangguo-PrivateGarden: The 18th Party Congress is about to start, and you have to register with your real name to purchase a “child’s remote controlled plane” in Beijing… What the flip! Is it necessary to be this neurotic when holding a meeting in your own country? Liang Qichao once said, “Nothing in my country is progressing; only the art of controlling the people has suddenly surpassed that of advanced countries. This pains me to tears.”
杨过-私家花园：斯巴达即将召开，北京商场就连购买“儿童遥控玩具飞机”竟然也被要求实名登记……你大爷滴！在自己的国家里开个会，有必要这么神经过敏吗？梁启超曾说：“我国万事不进步，而独防民之术乃突过于先进国，此真可痛哭也。”
Laodingshenjianyuan: This is “Who” showing off his power to the “anti-who.” Were you more worked up than this at the seventh plenum? Take a lesson from history. This isn’t happening on the Diaoyu Islands, this is a rehearsal in stability maintenance playing out in the streets of Zhengzhou!! What a shame such mighty troops aren’t on the island.
老丁深建院：这是Who演给anti-who势力看的吧，你见过前七大有比斯巴达更焦虑的么？前史之鉴：这不是在钓鱼岛，而是在郑州街头开展的维稳演练！！这样威武的队伍不上岛，可惜了。
BloodRainDustStorm: They take the money we’ve paid in taxes and beat us in return… Oh, Chinese! You’re really more pitiful than livestock! Even a grandson who serves his grandfather is told he is a good boy. But what about us? We attend to them left and right, even to the point of serving our grandfather’s family all the way in another country, and not once have we received the slightest praise. We just get our ears boxed, like before. What have we done wrong? Could it be that we owe you from our past lives?
血雨狂沙：拿着我们上税的钱，却反过来要打我们…中国的老百姓啊！你们真是比家畜还要可怜！连孙子伺候好了姥爷都能得到一声“乖”，可我们呢？伺候来伺候 去，即便是把姥爷的家里人一直伺候到了国外，也从来没有得到过一声表扬，得到的依旧是响亮的耳光。中国的老百姓到底做错了什么？难道是上辈子该你们的吗？
Fruit4Donkey: Sparta will soon be here. Google is often a blank page, VPNs basically can’t connect and 168.95.1.1 moves at a turtle’s pace.
Fruit4Donkey：斯巴达快来了，google频繁空白页了，VPN基本连不上了，168.95.1.1也龟速了。
Via CDT Chinese. Translation by Deng Bolun.
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